– This authentic replication of a primitive torture device was originally put to use by the Incan people of sixteenth century Peru as a means of greater efficiency in sacrificing the virginity of long lines of young village maidens “than that which nature bestoweth”*.
– It was imported to Europe via the Spanish conquistadors as a method of gently persuading heretics, witches, artists and jews to the “truth of their sinful ways”*.
– In 1777, Thomas Jefferson purchased the device to display in his recently opened “Torture Device Museum”* where it is rumored to have been used “not at all infrequently”*.
– Aleister Crowley was known to have it transported back to South America where he enjoyed it as a method of enema.
– It has been most frequently referred to as the Post-Solipsistical Smoochy-Pie*, but has also borne the names: the Confession Pump*, the Devil’s Phallus (of malice)*, Slutfucker* and El Interrogador*.
– This device has been made illegal in Canada but is a requirement of every Catholic Church in New Zealand.
– It hurts; but it hurts so good.
*(All quotes come from Barkin Fuchzenhammer’s insightful book The Torture Device as Fine Art; specifically the chapter entitled Sculptures You can Fuck.)