Bake n’ Shake’r
(Hot times with) Uncle Badtickle
Thee Gash Gasher
This authentic replication of a Primitive Torture Device was designed by Leonardo Da Vinci in the year 1513 and was originally commissioned by the Vatican as a means of punishment and execution.
After being sold to the Marquis De Badtickle, the device was inherited by his great-nephew, the Marquis De Sade where it was much enjoyed each St. Agnes day by all of the virginal girls in the immediate vicinity.
Francis bacon, the Empiricist Philosopher was known to have been executed as a result of this device’s mechanism for the crime of “porcine penetration”.
· And by a coincidence almost so incredible as to severely strain credulity; Francis Bacon, the 20th century painter, also succumbed to the lethal action of this device when in 1992 a fatal accident occurred during an attempt at self-fellatio.
Our Lady of Stick that ass out there
Old Stag-head Doe-spine
This authentic replication of a Primitive Torture Device was found in a cave at Lourdes, France in 1916 and is assumed to be Neolithic in origin.
In the year 1969 it was confiscated during a raid on Charles Manson and his followers. In court the device was argued by the prosecution to have been used in the “ritual gang-rape” of over 666 young women and girls.
And in 1999 it was sold in an estate sale held by Neal N. Squeeller (a ruined tycoon of the enema manufacturing industry) to the artist formerly known as Prince.
or the Devil’s lunchette
or El pecadores mesa
This authentic replication of a primitive torture device was initially erected in the town squares of medieval Spain. Those poor souls foolish enough to question the authority of the Inquisition were bound to it and various items of food and drink were placed before them by taunting citizens. Often the condemned would succumb to dehydration or starve to death with the means of sustenance just below their chin, but because their hands were bound beneath the table top they had only to languish in agony.
or St.Andrew’s cross purpose
or Devil’s X
or Nietzschean petard hoister
– This is an authentic replication of the original device on which St. Andrew was executed in Patras, Greece.
– It’s form was altered substantially in middle age depictions because it was “easier to draw”.
– “I am unworthy to be crucified in the same manner as our lord and savior. Because I am so humble I demand a device be made which is considerably more elaborate and will take much longer to complete. Also our lord and savior was given no sandwiches while he suffered his martyrdom and so in my humility I demand to be fed sandwiches…” St. Andrew
1. Objectifying lens #1
2. Diabolical revelator
3. Optical Oraculator
4. Billy blind’s bride
5. Licking mirror
Coinciding with the invention of quality mirrors in 666, and fueled by the superstition that the soul is revealed in the reflection, the “Objectifying lens” (also known as, see above)
was used in various parts of eastern Europe during the early dark ages… Thus the victim was shackled before a mirror of sinister appearance and made to endure the worst of tortures to their exposed buttocks…. ergo an expression of sublimity when staring into such an abyss is as unlikely as finding one innocent…
“…And so upon Thee Objectifying lens revealing thine guilt, thou art to be killed in a manner befitting the crimes of witchcraft… intercourse with the Devil himself… May god have mercy upon thy soul; because we certainly do not…”
– Archibald Crankenstein, Bishop of ‘Nova zagora’
“…With the grace of the Lord, thee Diabolical revelator utilized this 6th day of the 6th month, 666 Anno-Domini, to extract from 6 witches and 9 heathen’s the truth regarding …involvement of a most diabolical nature… …congregating for nefarious purposes… hath revealed to the satisfaction of all present that ‘tis the Devil himself in the eyes of the accused…”
– Schleppo McMasters, Magistrate
“The superstitions of the masses regarding thee “Objectifying lens” is as appalling as it is logically incoherent. If the Lord wanted us to see who the devil possessed he would have made the means available himself, by natural means, as if grown from a tree or some other such process… ”
– Baruch Spinoza
“All artists are charlatans. All artists are con-artists. They try to convince others that their lies are reality…”
– Killian Skarr
– This authentic replication of a primitive torture device was originally put to use by the Incan people of sixteenth century Peru as a means of greater efficiency in sacrificing the virginity of long lines of young village maidens “than that which nature bestoweth”*.
– It was imported to Europe via the Spanish conquistadors as a method of gently persuading heretics, witches, artists and jews to the “truth of their sinful ways”*.
– In 1777, Thomas Jefferson purchased the device to display in his recently opened “Torture Device Museum”* where it is rumored to have been used “not at all infrequently”*.
– Aleister Crowley was known to have it transported back to South America where he enjoyed it as a method of enema.
– It has been most frequently referred to as the Post-Solipsistical Smoochy-Pie*, but has also borne the names: the Confession Pump*, the Devil’s Phallus (of malice)*, Slutfucker* and El Interrogador*.
– This device has been made illegal in Canada but is a requirement of every Catholic Church in New Zealand.
– It hurts; but it hurts so good.
*(All quotes come from Barkin Fuchzenhammer’s insightful book The Torture Device as Fine Art; specifically the chapter entitled Sculptures You can Fuck.)
1.) “The Devils Sling"”*
2.) “Friendly Mr. Skarrington"”*
3.) “Angry Professor Scythian"””*
4.) “Nihilophiliac Cuddle-bunny"””
5.) “Slut Machine: I"”
• This authentic replication of a -Primitive Torture Device- dates originally from circa 666 B.C.E, and was used by the invading hordes of Scythians to disembowel and rape, in that order, the opposing tribes’ women,
• it went by various names in the Middle Ages including (see above),
• was owned for a time by the Royal Academy of Natural Philosophy until 1666 when it was confiscated in the name of the Inquisition for use upon pain of death as Thomas Hobbes’sentence for the charge of blasphemy after the publication of Leviathan,
• it was rediscovered during the excavation of the C.E.R.N. Large Hadron Collider Site in Switzerland,
• and is fully functional for a capacity of no more than 150 lbs.
1. Keep-still no.1
2. Bishops arc
3. Thee iniquity splitter
4. Old stretch
5. Hooke’s extender
This is an authentic replication of a “Keep-still”, also known as (see above), or a spring loaded spreader bar used through out the witch craze of mediaeval Europe whenever the necessity arose to apply torture in the field. It was folded to accommodate transportation and upon it’s utility being required, opened and deployed for binding witches and heretics at the ankles and wrists. The spring mechanism also enabled greater force to be applied in spreading the legs of reluctant and stubborn victims. Thus when the inquisitors entourage was ever to be seen carrying the device through the towns a substantial number of onlookers tended to accumulate outside the unfortunate defendants residence to hear the screams involved as truth was extracted.
“Great moral fortitude is required to resist the many temptations of the devils and succubuses that assail one in the midst of inquiry. It is only by the grace of God that my hand does not stray from the divine task of searching the succulent, ripe, young flesh of these naked voluptuous seductresses… And search I do! For the devil always marks his witches and I have found that when the witch is peculiarly young and soft and arousing, with that pale soft skin of their comely round breasts, to the downy hair that covers their fertile enticing womb, it is then that the devil hides his mark very well. And so the search must be carried out with extreme care to detail, passing over not even the smallest patch of flesh, and neglecting no orifice, no matter how sweet and tight… Thus the Keep-still lends it’s utility to the probing of witches with the red hot pokers of God’s benevolence…”
Otto Burnem – Assistant to the Arch-bishop of Misogyomania